As many of you know, I’m a pediatric heart transplant doctor. The biggest misconception about what I do is that I’m not a surgeon, there are people much more skilled at cutting and sewing than me. So what do I do then? I do everything except the actual surgery. But this is beyond the point. The reason I bring any of this up is because I get told all the time, “I don’t know how you do what you do, it must be so hard.” While my job can sometimes be quite challenging, it has rarely been as trying and stressful as the last couple months of being a daddy. Connor is not growing. While he “looks great,” as everyone tells us, he looks great if he was a 3 month old. He’s not a 3 month old though, he’s a 5 month old. After multiple appointments with our incredible pediatrician, who as been there by our side the whole time (send me a message if you want her name as she’s an incredible clinician and person), consults with sub-specialists, ultrasounds, lab tests, and a scope the only real conclusion is that he has a floppy airway (larygnomalacia). He is working harder to breathe, so despite how many calories we’re putting in his formula and the extra oil we’re adding to his feeds, he’s burning more calories than he’s taking in. In order to fix this he’s going tomorrow for a supraglottoplasty (fix his floppy airway) and ear tubes (because he’s already had 3 ear infections). While there’s no guarantee that this will fix everything, it seems like a logical next step to rule out as a cause of his failure to thrive.
The details of Connor is not really while I’m writing this post, but more to share that life isn’t aways Instagram pictures of kids playing in pools, looking cute, or dads just looking tired. The truth is being a daddy right now sucks. Tom and I are both sad. We have two wonderful kids who provide a ton of joy, but the stress of having a child who is struggling is greater than any stress I’ve had being a kid’s heart doctor. Being a pediatrician myself, I would think I would be more equipped to take care of a child who is by far less sick than most of the kids at work I care for. I’m not. I now better understand why parents of children with minor heart problems sometimes have extreme reactions. We’re all human, and one’s biggest worry is just as big as anyone else’s. I find myself up late at night thinking about him. Going to Dr Google when I could just ask one of my esteemed colleagues. Or breaking out in tears when I weigh him and he’s lost weight. This post is not about gaining sympathy, to be told “it’s going to be okay”, but rater to share my further understanding of the emotional life of a parent. Children transform our lives and give us a sense of meaning, fill us with joy, and make us proud. They also cause tremendous stress, sadness, and worry. We become irrational when things go wrong. We act differently than we said we ever would.
The next 24 hours will be stressful, as will the rest of the years to come. For all of you parents who have cried, who have been worried, who have been sad, we understand. We understand that being told “it’s going to be alright” does nothing to calm your worries. We understand that you just want your children to be happy and healthy. That’s all we want for our children. We want them to live their best lives.
Love
Jake Plus Tom